Computer Fun Page

('The Life with/for/of Computers')

Two sides of the story:

Computers are working tools - they help people in being more accurate - things develop faster because of them - the huge ammount of data nowadays can only be reduced with computers BUT
computers are nasty - they only help in solving problems no one would have without them - making something by the aid of these machines increases the needed time by a factor of ten.

It would be silly to think of making sciences without computers, but the REAL REASON using them is given below.
Enjoy yourself - and report me any other worth cartoon about this topic. ;-)

Cartoons about Dilbert by Scott Adams, published in PC Player in 1998:
cartoon

"My password for accessing the network does not work."	"I don't have online access, because my password does not work ..."	"I can't send any E-Mail cos I have no access to the damned network!!!"
"In that case ask me for help online, please."	"So you should send an E-Mail to me!"	"Juuih, today you are not up too much ..."
Please note that any similar behaviour of members of the local system group is not expected ... ;-)

"With Handy and Notebook I can work any time at any place ..."

"When driving?"
"Too dangerous."
"In restaurants?"
"That's no good behaviour."
"In the open air?"
"Oh no!"

"So you are carrying these things to live in danger of losing or damaging them."
"Stop! You make them nervous."

"Tina, you have to finish the entire documentation next week, so we can publish it when the software is ready."

"How should I write a documentation for something which is not completed?"
"You simply have to improvise logically."

»If you press any key the computer will break down. If you dial our service phone number we will blame Microsoft for that.«

``The Sense of Life''

Cartoons by Werner Tiki Küstenmacher (E-Mail: tiki@compuserve.com), published in PC Professionell or PC Player:

"Information exchange at CEBIT"

"All claim to be of use. But most computers use the people just for playing!"

"The mental states of a PC!"

"You have to leave your modem here - otherwise you can't get cured!"

"They have to be really old - all texts are stored on 5¼ inch floppy disks!"

"Next part will be even greater - than we will show the appropriate drive!"
or
"Independence Day - it's a SONY!"

"Yes, really, Kurt, whom I envied because of his huge screen ..."

"Hey, he asked if he can buy this in a store next week!"
"Congratulations! You are the 10-millionth beta tester of Windows 95!!"

Working for the next millenium ...

"Oh no, they should have realized that steering and breaks
will not work before the next version."

"If you insist to write text, you need a second screen."

T...offline - and you are never at home!

"What about visiting my room? I can show you a fantastic collection of graphic formats!"

"Damm it! What features should we add to get finally on the Index?!"
(Note that the best action games [Doom, Duke3D, Quake I/II] got prohibiton of public advertisement
in GERMANY - even by computer magazines - and it is only allowed to sell them to adults.
Maybe one reason that everyone has such a game on harddisk.)

Cartoons about Kid Paddle, Midam, Carlsen Verlag GmbH, Hamburg 1997, published in PC Player:

It is better not to know anything about ``MS Windoof''. But for those who like to be a permanent beta tester, just some examples of the most popular booting system (most parts published in PC Player):

``Faked but true.''

``Faked - but in the US people had given their Windows versions back!''

Message provoked by a 'N.I.C.E. 2' cheat

Just a typical/normal (?) boot message ...
For those interested in history:
Hiroshima '45 -- Chernobyl '86 -- Windows '95
Gebet eines Windows-Benutzers (Prayer of a Windows user):

Windows unser,
der Du bist im Rechner,
geöffnet seien Deine Fenster.
Dein Crash komme,
Dein Reboot geschehe,
wie in 95 so in 98.
Unser tägliches Servicepack gib uns heute,
und vergib uns unsere Linuxpartition,
wie auch wir vergeben die Treiberbugs.
Und führe uns nicht in den Bluescreen,
sondern erlöse uns von dll-Versionskonflikten.
Denn Dein ist das RAM und die Festplatte und
die Prozessorauslastung in Ewigkeit.
Alt-F4
If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines
(published in Linux Gazette 45)

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the Seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

Citations and pieces of wisdom, not only about computers, mostly from discussions at /.:
- Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
- God does not play dice.
  -- Einstein
- Not only does God play dice, he sometimes throws them where they can't be seen.
  - Hawking
- Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
  - Albert Einstein
- First they ignore you, they then laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
  -- Ghandi
- The intelligence of a commitee is equal to the intelligence of the stupidest member divided by the number of members.
- Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education.
  -- Bertrand Russell
- Without the Law, there is no Liberty. Without Justice, there is no Law.
- A statesman... is a dead politician. Lord knows, we need more statesmen.
  -- Bloom County
- There's an old Wall Street tale: a tyro asks an old-timer, ``How do you make money in the market.'' The wise man answers, ``Nothing could be simpler: buy low, sell high.'' The beginner asks, ``How can I learn to do that?'' The sage responds, ``Ahhhh...that takes a lifetime.'' Simple doesn't mean easy.
- You can't shake the Devil's hand and say you're only kidding.
  -- They Might Be Giants
- If you don't know what you're doing, make sure you get damn good advice from people who've done it before.
- Do, or do not...there is no try.
  -- Yoda (Star Wars)
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
- Real programmers don't work from 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9am it's because they were up all night.
- God, root, what is difference ?
- Hiding source seemed to make about as much sense to most people as trying to hide how a lightbulb works.
  -- Aaron Sherman, ajs@ajs.com, Perl Guy and Executive Glue Sniffer
- Most of you steal your software ...
  What hobbyist can put years into programming, finding all bugs, documenting his product and distribute for free?
  -- An Open Letter to Hobbyists, Bill Gates, Micro-soft, 1976
  GNU ... is the name for the complete Unix-compatible software system which I am writing so that I can give it away free ...
  Once GNU is written, everyone will be able to obtain good system software free, just like air.
  -- The GNU Manifesto, Richard Stallman, Free Software Foundation, 1985
  (History of the GNU/Linux movement)
- Windows hasn't increased computer literacy. It's just lowered the standard.
- This virus cannot be run in DOS mode.
- Making the world a better place:
  One more Linux box means one less M$ box!
- Linux - It's Bill's own Y2K problem
- Good beta testers are worth their weight in gold.
- All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.
  -- Alexander Woollcott

Special WWW pages:

Meet/hit MS boss Bill Gates - and have lots of fun.
Look at the Star Treck Story: ``MS - BILLY BORG'' (in German):
The only serious Y2k homepage.
For fans of the Comic "Calvin and Hobbes":

Do visit J.M.B.' locally available or the original page by the reclusive creator of C&H, Bill Watterson, with lots of graphics and information!

Back/forward to the:

MS - BILLY BORG subpage (Star Treck Story in German)
J.M.B.'s Fun pagE
Computer System's Homepage
Sternwarte Bonn Homepage

First version:	10th	February,	1998
Last update:	10th	March,	2001

Jochen M. Braun
(E-Mail: jbraun@astro.uni-bonn.de)

Computer Fun Page

('The Life with/for/of Computers')

UNIX Airways

Air DOS

Mac Airlines

Windows Air

Windows NT Air

Linux Air